Sunday, February 24, 2013

I only see the perfect match

Hey everybody, if you still haven't figured this out yet, lemma tell ya, I'm single and dating guys is still the number one topic of this blog. Yeah, I usually disdain women that always talk like "my boyfriend this" "my boyfriend that" all day long or cut their wrists in the bath tub when their guys dump them but deep in my heart I like talking about dating guys. That's just how I am. I'm a two-faced bitch. So tonight I want to talk about neurotic Jewish guys.
Why am I attracted to neurotic Jewish guys? Well, let's see what I've gotten in the first place. I'm in Southern California. We all have dated our very unique local products. What are they? No, not cabernet sauvignon from Napa Valley, not our Terminator Governor and certainly not Katie Morgan, your horn dog, but our laid-back stoners from all over Los Angeles. I know you know what I mean. Stoners are easy-going, open-minded, accepting fans of vegans, ecstasy users, whales in the Pacific Ocean, solar panels, gays and even the Dalai Lama. The Californian stoners have so much love to give. They are full of love. They are surrounded by love. They wanted to give the State 2 billions in tax to help the budget crisis if we can legalize selling marijuana. So as a single woman, I have a big pool of tolerant, diverse and liberal pod-smokers to choose here. Sounds good on the outside huh? Wait, hold on a second, what if I'm a slacker myself? Like if I'd always leave dirty dishes in the sink, chicken dump sticks in the oven and forget to feed the dog, what kind of a guy is good for me?
What? She's not even Chinese? Who cares? We all look the same anyway.
An OCD guy! A guy that checks the sink, the oven, the dog, the toilet, the fridge, the shower, the laptop, the fucking everything a hundred times a day! That way, I'll never forget, or never dare forget, anything. How? Well, let's imagine the scenario: if your guy came home from work and found a tray of baked chicken drum sticks in the toaster oven while you are not home, what do you think it's gonna happen? No, not only he's gonna ask you what time you baked them, and no, not only he's gonna nag you left rotten food in the oven even if the chicken was already salted and greased that Northern Chinese people some decades ago lived on, he's actually gonna make a fucking big deal out of it that you just wish there's a hole on the other side of the toilet so you can just swim through your pee and crap and hang there for the night. It's a great idea not to forget things, isn't it?
Hm? Aw, what? Somebody has already used this pee and poop skinny dipping idea? When? Oh Transpotting? How'd you know that's my favorite movie? Oh I get it, you're just trying to get me admit I'm a drug addict. Aw, no, I'm not a friend of drugs at all. You know why? Because I'm Chinese. Anything luxurious Chinese people consume has to be ostentatious as well. Tshirt with Prada or Agnes B across in the front? Love it. Polo or crocodile on the chest? Lovely. Mercedes-Benz or Bimmer? Must-have. But anything expensive while they can't brag about to their cousins during Lunar New Year, like pure oxygen, a relationship with an ordinary woman who doesn't look like Zhang Ziyi in any way or recreational drugs? That's considered futile and wasteful in Chinese culture. We just don't spend money on things others can't see. Hope you understand.
See, I don't know if you've thought of it, but I think a Chinese woman and a Jewish guy make the best couple. Why? Because honestly, I think these two ethnicities' ancestors were roommates during college. The part that controls the thoughts of emotions and money of the human brain on these two ethnicities shows the exact same growth, just like all dogs can guard, but terriers can nip, kill and eat the entire head of a lovely kitten's or a human baby's much better than other breeds. You know what I mean?
Why is that? Well, it's in their blood.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You crazy.